Thank you

I tend to go back and forth over being ok with and  beating myself up over "choosing" the father for my son, to not forgiving myself and to think of it as a huge mistake on my part (on the choice of fathers, not my son).  Well, a good dear friend of mind just pointed out "he wouldn't be Zander with any other Father".  Deep down I always knew this, I've told myself this before.  But it's such a good reminder.  No, Zander wouldn't be who he is without the father I chose.  He wouldn't be the mischievous, joking, smart, brilliant, happy, smiley, bubbly, goofy wonderful little being that his is with out that particular father.  So for that I must actually say, Thank you bio dad.  You have truly given me the best gift I could ever receive, thank you.

Whirlwind

So many things running around my mind.  Things I have no control of, things I do, things I want to get done, trying to find the motivation to actually start them, on and on and on my mind goes.  Ugh, I can't even stay on one subject long enough to accomplish anything, except more thoughts. 

I do want to say, for some unknown reason, that I've never considered myself a "single" mom.  I am Zander's mom, and regardless of if I would still be married (still not all the way divorced, soon) or not, this is what my life would be like.  I would have been sole caretaker of Zander anyways.  And it seems completely natural.  Now, if you were to ask me if I would have ever thought I'd be raising a child on my own a few years ago, my answer would have been no.  But now, it became what it was always meant to be, I think.  Weird how life does that. 

With that said (again, I'm not sure why) I've started watching a show on VH1, Dad bootcamp or something.  I shouldn't have started watching it.  Even as right as my life, and Zander's is, this show makes me rethink bio dad's absence.  I don't think I will ever get rid of those conflicting thoughts.  Yes, not having to go between two very different houses is wonderful and letting Zander have a stable home and stable parent is by far the best choice, so thanks Bio Dad for that.  BUT, what harm will it do to my little boy as he grows up without a father?  I in no way am looking for a replacement "dad" in any near or distant future I can see.  Is that too something I may regret?  Not having a substantial male influence every day for Z?  There is no RIGHT answer for this, all of these choices are good and bad in their own ways, but only at the expense of my son..and for that, I will never forgive myself for.  I will always do whatever it takes for him to be happy, and strong, and the wonderful little guy that he is, but I will never be able to give him the father he should have had...he has to live with the poor choice I made the rest of his life.  It's not fair to him, and for this I am sorry a million times over.

Sigh, well, my mind has slowed down a little...