Whirlwind

So many things running around my mind.  Things I have no control of, things I do, things I want to get done, trying to find the motivation to actually start them, on and on and on my mind goes.  Ugh, I can't even stay on one subject long enough to accomplish anything, except more thoughts. 

I do want to say, for some unknown reason, that I've never considered myself a "single" mom.  I am Zander's mom, and regardless of if I would still be married (still not all the way divorced, soon) or not, this is what my life would be like.  I would have been sole caretaker of Zander anyways.  And it seems completely natural.  Now, if you were to ask me if I would have ever thought I'd be raising a child on my own a few years ago, my answer would have been no.  But now, it became what it was always meant to be, I think.  Weird how life does that. 

With that said (again, I'm not sure why) I've started watching a show on VH1, Dad bootcamp or something.  I shouldn't have started watching it.  Even as right as my life, and Zander's is, this show makes me rethink bio dad's absence.  I don't think I will ever get rid of those conflicting thoughts.  Yes, not having to go between two very different houses is wonderful and letting Zander have a stable home and stable parent is by far the best choice, so thanks Bio Dad for that.  BUT, what harm will it do to my little boy as he grows up without a father?  I in no way am looking for a replacement "dad" in any near or distant future I can see.  Is that too something I may regret?  Not having a substantial male influence every day for Z?  There is no RIGHT answer for this, all of these choices are good and bad in their own ways, but only at the expense of my son..and for that, I will never forgive myself for.  I will always do whatever it takes for him to be happy, and strong, and the wonderful little guy that he is, but I will never be able to give him the father he should have had...he has to live with the poor choice I made the rest of his life.  It's not fair to him, and for this I am sorry a million times over.

Sigh, well, my mind has slowed down a little...

I have a TWO year old

Well, now I can officially say I'm the mother of a 2 year old. I still can't quite wrap my head around that, but at the same time, my little baby has grown into a little boy just these past few weeks. Singing along to songs, doing the hands gestures, trying out the potty (nothing happening yet), having an opinion on food and clothes and letting me know it. I just can't believe how much and how FAST he's grown. How far we have both come in only 2 years. Amazing.

On the plus side, he got some cool things for his birthday. We are both having a total blast with his Geo Trax . Very awesome toy. Thanks Grammy for getting the plane! 

How can you (well, maybe I'm partial) not smile when you see this cute face? I have not done well in any "exercise" from my previous blog. Haha. I had high hopes at the moment. I am still at the same weight so at least it hasn't gone up! But I definately do not enjoy looking at the mirror so something needs to be done soon! Come on, get your act together!

My son never ceases to amaze me, and I wonder how I'm ever going to pull off spending more time with him and less time working, yet still being able to support us. I miss so much away from him, he is learning new things so quickly all the time. I'm his whole world and he is mine, and quite honestly I can't see it any other way. I often wonder what it would be like if I were still with my soon to be ex. But I know this is what life intended for me. I'm just so much happier and have found myself again. I have had to depend on myself this last 15 months (well, really almost 2 years) and really suprised myself with how much I am capable of doing on my own. And most suprised to learn that I was doing most things (like my whole pregnancy) on my own even when living with the soon to be ex. It still saddens me and probably always will that I picked the wrong bio dad for my son, or sperm donor if you will. He deserved a mommy AND a daddy, but we're doing just fine. And I can't make the sperm donor want to have anything to do with his son. Maybe sometime when I have a lot of time I'll go into details, but this has gotten mightly long as it is and I'm just rambling. I love being a mommy!