The breakup

So, I am sorry to say, I have to break up with you.  And yes, I'm going to use the super silly "it's not you, it's me" line, well, because it is.  Though you have always been there for me, and you always will continue to be, a change has to be made.  I have to think about my son, he deserves a healthier lifestyle.  I deserve a healthier life style.  I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and be proud of what I see, and being with you doesn't allow me to do that.  Being with you doesn't allow me to show my son a healthy lifestyle.  So, for these reasons, we have to break up.  Body, I am through with you and your unhealthy behaviors.  I'm on to a newer, healthier, and stronger self.  Goodbye!

Happy New Year!

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Thank you

I tend to go back and forth over being ok with and  beating myself up over "choosing" the father for my son, to not forgiving myself and to think of it as a huge mistake on my part (on the choice of fathers, not my son).  Well, a good dear friend of mind just pointed out "he wouldn't be Zander with any other Father".  Deep down I always knew this, I've told myself this before.  But it's such a good reminder.  No, Zander wouldn't be who he is without the father I chose.  He wouldn't be the mischievous, joking, smart, brilliant, happy, smiley, bubbly, goofy wonderful little being that his is with out that particular father.  So for that I must actually say, Thank you bio dad.  You have truly given me the best gift I could ever receive, thank you.

Whirlwind

So many things running around my mind.  Things I have no control of, things I do, things I want to get done, trying to find the motivation to actually start them, on and on and on my mind goes.  Ugh, I can't even stay on one subject long enough to accomplish anything, except more thoughts. 

I do want to say, for some unknown reason, that I've never considered myself a "single" mom.  I am Zander's mom, and regardless of if I would still be married (still not all the way divorced, soon) or not, this is what my life would be like.  I would have been sole caretaker of Zander anyways.  And it seems completely natural.  Now, if you were to ask me if I would have ever thought I'd be raising a child on my own a few years ago, my answer would have been no.  But now, it became what it was always meant to be, I think.  Weird how life does that. 

With that said (again, I'm not sure why) I've started watching a show on VH1, Dad bootcamp or something.  I shouldn't have started watching it.  Even as right as my life, and Zander's is, this show makes me rethink bio dad's absence.  I don't think I will ever get rid of those conflicting thoughts.  Yes, not having to go between two very different houses is wonderful and letting Zander have a stable home and stable parent is by far the best choice, so thanks Bio Dad for that.  BUT, what harm will it do to my little boy as he grows up without a father?  I in no way am looking for a replacement "dad" in any near or distant future I can see.  Is that too something I may regret?  Not having a substantial male influence every day for Z?  There is no RIGHT answer for this, all of these choices are good and bad in their own ways, but only at the expense of my son..and for that, I will never forgive myself for.  I will always do whatever it takes for him to be happy, and strong, and the wonderful little guy that he is, but I will never be able to give him the father he should have had...he has to live with the poor choice I made the rest of his life.  It's not fair to him, and for this I am sorry a million times over.

Sigh, well, my mind has slowed down a little...

I have a TWO year old

Well, now I can officially say I'm the mother of a 2 year old. I still can't quite wrap my head around that, but at the same time, my little baby has grown into a little boy just these past few weeks. Singing along to songs, doing the hands gestures, trying out the potty (nothing happening yet), having an opinion on food and clothes and letting me know it. I just can't believe how much and how FAST he's grown. How far we have both come in only 2 years. Amazing.

On the plus side, he got some cool things for his birthday. We are both having a total blast with his Geo Trax . Very awesome toy. Thanks Grammy for getting the plane! 

First time at the park

Zander's first day at the park was yesterday. I'm going to have to say I'm not a big fan for children his age at the park. While he loved it and could climb up on the climbers, I was terrified he'd fall through the stairs down, or the hole at the fire man pole down. OMG, was a bit too overstimulating for both of us. Though Zander did enjoy himself. I'm just bummed I did this adventure on my own and wasn't able to capture any pictures. Note to self, take the camera out BEFORE you take your kid out of the stroller, lol. We came across some older boys, more or less his cousin's ages, and he thought that of course they'd want to play with him. It was pretty cute, he picked a stick up and handed it to the oldest boy. Then ran circles around the bench they were sitting on (they were in a "time out" for something). Once they were able to get off the bench they started a game of tag with another boy. Zander ran in their direction in awe. It was pretty funny. Then the older boy tagged Zander and said, "Zander, you're it." and ran away. I laughed and Zander had no idea what tag or being "it" meant, but he followed them so the boys didn't really understand he didn't know. Then one boy came and said, "Zander! Tag me! Tag me!". Zander looked to him with the biggest smile and just stood there. I took Zander's hand and tagged the boy. Zander was it once again and the second time I helped him tag he kind of got it and went around trying to tag just that one boy. It was pretty funny watching him try to figure out what was going on, then try to figure out how to keep up with them. Eventually he moved on to the swings. There was another little girl and mommy swinging and the little girl kept moving swings, so Zander had to keep moving swings, lol. He's really too much sometimes =) Overall we had fun, but I think I'll wait a little while to take him back, until he's ready to do the climber without me walking around behind him.

A Productive Day

Today was a productive day. The house is clean, well, of course not! =P But Zander had a blast playing out on the porch and even decided to through some things down the stairs. I really need to get the screen I want around the porch so that can't happen. He masted getting onto the chairs and found some ants. Oh he was so excited about the ants crawling on his hands. It was pretty comical to see. He started yelling excitedly for me. We made banana bread. And by "we" I mean I shooed him out of the kitchen anytime I had to open the oven, and he just played with his toys. He couldn't wait to eat it though, it came out alright, a little dry, but good nonetheless. He helped load the dryer and tried to throw things, anything, into the washer. We danced around the house and had a tickle war. We went for a walk to get our groceries and stopped by McDonalds because they have Star Wars toys in their Happy Meal =) He even helped me try to fix the old computer. And by help I mean that he climbed on the chair (such a new achievement for him) and started to push the buttons on the keyboard and move the mouse around trying to get it to work, lol. We had a little struggle about who could push what =P This is my idea of a productive day...